Subject: The Official FWW List of AFU (long)
Summary: More tips for the clewless

Archive-name: afu-fww
Last-Modified: 2 Dec 1993
Version: 1.00


                Frequently Whimpered Whines (FWW) of AFU
                ----------------------------------------

There arise betimes in this forum complaints about how we denizens
of AFU treat zygotes, planaria, newbies, holders of Delphi accounts
and other primitive life forms which materialize among us.

These complaints range from simple outrage to downright naked 
befuddlement, but are generally characterized by a certain
whining tone indicative of someone whose sense of self-importance
has become a tad adipose through over-indulgence.

Rather than deal with these situations individually as they
arise, the management of AFU has prepared this comprehensive
document, companion to the FAQ and the Survival Guide, as
yet one more tutorial on AFU culture to be ignored at peril by those
chronically bereft of net.common.sense and proud of it to boot.

If the Survivor's Guide seems too obtuse and the FAQ too long,
maybe the FWW will help to, as we say, "fill the ominous void."


 0. I am not a "primitive life form" and I resent being called one.
    --------------------------------------------------------------

We're quite sure that you are in fact one hell of a nice, responsible,
thoughtful, caring individual.  But this is Usenet.  On Usenet,
whimpering and self-pity in one's posts is symptomatic of 
net.primitives.  Net.savants are aware that within Usenet there are
a few tribal customs of which you may not be cognizant but should be.

Each of the more than 3,000 news groups had its own personality
and culture.  For any given group you have three choices as to
how you will deal with that fact:

  A. Accept that culture and "inhabit" the group because/in spite
     of it.

  B. Reject the culture, and therefore the group.

  C. Join the group and change the culture more to your
     liking.  If it is a large group (and AFU is among the
     largest, according to our Arbitrons) this may take
     some doing on your part, to say nothing of patience,
     charisma, and other prerequisites of sainthood.

Whining about things you don't like in the group will only
have negative effects on your future relations with it.



 1. AFU does not seem to be about urban legends.
    --------------------------------------------

You are correct.

AFU is about amusement.  It's about arcana.  It's about entertainment.
It's one big happy family.  We hardly ever flame each other.  We just
shuck 'n' jibe all day long.  

On rare occasions we encounter, post, and sometimes discuss
a *real* urban legend.  These discussions are summarized in our
Holy FAQ so that we may ponder them during what Fitzgerald
called "The dark night of the soul."  True believers can quote
reams of The FAQ from memory, and often do.  At the drop of
an old hat.

On even rarer occasions we provide a definitive, well-researched denouement
to an urban legend.  This also is put into The FAQ, and each of
us then becomes one step closer to nirvana.  The researcher's reward
is being mentioned in the FAQ by name.  It is the AFU crowning
achievement.

There is another group, alt.folklore.info, which is moderated so as
to focus on the folklore and minimize the tomfoolery.  You might
feel more comfortable over there if you dislike our attitude here.


 2. AFU never gives a straight answer to a simple question.
    --------------------------------------------------------

That's not true.  We have a rotating duty roster of AFU staff
whose duty it is to be nice.  Whoever had that role when you
became miffed will hear about it at their next progress review,
believe you me! 

AFU is in the top 1/2 percent of Usenet groups in posting
volume.  It is a big task to keep up with even the interesting
posts, let alone the balderdash and blather from the primitive
life forms.  Most AFU regulars just don't care to take the
time to provide help on things better left for you to figure
out for yourself.  Think of it as paying your dues.

More on this topic below.


 3. This place is a sewer. Its humor is juvenile ...
    ------------------------------------------------

Oh, yes.  Our own Grand Rebbe Shaman Herr Dr. van der Linden has
named us "alt.sewer".  It fits us like a glove.

    ... in fact it's like a bunch of frathouse punks sitting
    around swilling beer and thinking they're being hilarious.
    ---------------------------------------------------------

Now you're catching on.  In fact, one feature of AFU culture
not often found in other news groups is the tendency of AFU to
create real physical face-to-face situations so we can sit around
swilling beer and thinking we're being hilarious in real time.

We then follow up these sessions by posting hilarious summaries
of said sessions to the group.  Sometimes we even resort to
snail mail, so eager are we to parade our hilarity to the widest
possible appreciative audience.  Does that sound neato to you?

If not, maybe you should trundle off to sci.skeptic, where the
badge of honor is to be an abusive anal-retentive self-styled
paragon of science.


 4. This group worships its FAQ.
    ---------------------------

In the name of the Terrys, the Phil, and the aB Meyers, Amen.

Or FAQ is not just a collection of questions, it is our Bible
because it contains the master list of Urban Legends from
which we all must get a monthly fix lest we succumb to
LWS (Legend Withdrawal Syndrome).


 5. All I did was put a smiley in my post.
    -------------------------------------

Conventional AFU wisdom says that the funniest shows on telly
have no laugh track.  You just know when to laugh.  The same
must be true of AFU posts. So our dictum is:

  "If your post a smiley needs,
   Then Ray will lop your head into the weeds."

                    - Folio V, 34:7-12

We value wit so highly that we make a fetish of it.  Yours too must
stand on its own merit.  Ours too.  Some of our wit stinks.  
So what? Sew cat's pajamas to make kitten britches is what.

Or maybe you're the sort of nincompoop who wears his shoes into
a Japanese house, passes gas in front of the Queen, or offers
a Bedouin his left hand to shake. Just because you want to.

"Emoticons not welcome" is our custom, mate.  That's how we do it
here. If you find that troublesome, perhaps you should try one of the
groups dedicated to sweetness and light, like talk.bizarre.


 6. Everybody in this group is a smartass.
    -------------------------------------

Absolutely not true. You just didn't ask the right question or
in the right way.

The typical AFU poster is knowledgable in many subjects and
will be happy to give serious answers to serious questions about
those areas.  Said typical poster normally ignores the banal
question about AFU culture.  Thus, only the smartasses of the
group are likely to pick on a post they think deserves it.

So?  Why are *you* so thin skinned?  Make a good smartass
remark right back and we'll all have a laugh.  Pissing and
moaning about it only makes you look the more of a stuffed
shirt.


 7. There's nothing but "in group" jokes.
    ------------------------------------

Yeah, we're a social organization.  We send email and presents
and stuff to each other.  Why shouldn't we have in jokes?
You family does too, we'd guess.  It doesn't take a brain
surgeon to figure the in jokes out.  Just some patience.

But, if you're really impatient, try emailing your request
to one of the regular posters.  Only a few are so heartless
that they'd flame you for that.  They might, however, be
too busy to give an answer.  Most will be happy for the
chance to a) show off, b) interrupt their otherwise humdrum
existence.  Only one or two will bill you.

So, you should either put up with the frat punk
repartee, chill out & quip back, or buzz off to talk.origins,
where every opinion is openly welcomed and embraced and
all forms of muddleheadedness are warmly tolerated.


 8. And then, there's this "trolling" b*llsh*t!
    ------------------------------------------

Haven't you noticed the rampant pomposity in some news groups?

We have.  And we like to skewer it.  In order to skewer it, as
with a fishing gaff, we first must lure the fish.  We lure our
fish by posting concoctions of blatant falsehoods with an
occasional bit of truth buried in the bait.  The fish rise
to the bait with the smug assurance of setting us straight, once
and for all.

So sometimes we don't catch a pompous ass grouper, but merely an
innocent guppy.  So what? We think of that as helping out with
the process of natural selection.

Hey, it's all in fun.  Yes, some of us do mount trophy heads
on the wall.  But nothing like people who bait in rec.pets.cats
with dead kitten jokes.  We're not evil, just acerbic.


 9. I'm not sold on this group yet
    ------------------------------

Fine, and we're not trying to sell you on it.  From time to
time the debate over our own antics does surface in AFU and
the regulars hash it out.  Are we or are we not more
flip than we should be, given our Holy Purpose?

But usually, somewhere in the midst of the debate, someone
throws in a grand quip, and off we go again.  Yoiks!

So take us, warts and all, or leave us.  Preferably alone.


Ta ta for now.


Yr Ob'd'n't S'v't,

t "hugs and kisses" c
-- 
( )_( ) __________ splinter@allink.com ____________
 \. ./   :just another middle-aged mutant Zen rat:
__=.=__       - aka: DENNYZEN@delphi.com -
   "

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: splinter@allink.com (tom cikoski)
Subject: Why be on AFU? (Pt 10 of the FWW)
Summary: why you should want to be a denizen of AFU
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 15:12:49 GMT

This is an addition to the recently-published FWW
(Frequently Whimpered Whinings) List of AFU.  Please
treat it with the respect that it deserves.



10. What's so special about being a denizen of AFU?
    -----------------------------------------------

By now you should have gotten our new member kit, which includes
the application form, security clearance forms, and promotional
materials.  But it has been a year of "rightsizing" here at AFU, so
maybe our rightsized staff has not yet gotten around to you just
yet.  So here's a quick summary of AFU denizen benefits.

 - The AFU lapel pin, bumper sticker, luggage tags and
   your choice of cufflinks or brooch featuring the AFU
   logo designed by the net famous James W. Parry. Note
   that these items are now so much in demand that cheap
   counterfeits are coming in from Bangladesh.  Make
   sure that your AFU logo goods have the Kibo hologram
   on the obverse.

 - The Irridium no-fee Lemurcharge card from Furr Financials.
   Good wherever Twinkies are sold or Big K Grape Soda is
   shoplifted.  Furr Financials, home of junk bonds AND stocks.

 - Ten thousand bonus frequent flyer miles on ZenRat Air, the
   no-frills airline connecting Danbury, CT to the rest of the
   Northeast US. Note: no GameBoy units are allowed on ZenRat
   unless first made available to the pilot.

 - Books authored by any other AFU denizen can be obtained,
   free-of-charge, from your local library, for your exclusive
   use for a short period of time.

 - Tickets to the snuff film OF YOUR CHOICE!

 - A guaranteed non-speaking role in the upcoming smash
   cinema hit "AFU: THE MOVIE".

 - A get-well card from Craig Shergold.

 - A whole lot more get-well cards from Craig Shergold.

 - Your choice of over twenty styles of can pull tabs.

 - The vellum edition of the FAQ with full concordance,
   including all words spoken by a Terry printed in RED.

 - And, of course, special bargains on life, health, auto
   and home insurance.  Many, many salespersons will call.

How could you not want all this, AND MORE?  So, why not
stop all this bellyaching, pick up that phone RIGHT NOW
and call 1-900-AFU-ISOK.  $26.00 for the first minute and
$26.00 for each additional minute.  Kids, get your parents'
permission. Our operators are lying around waiting for your call.


Ta ta for now.


Yr Ob'd'n't S'v't,

t "hugs and kisses" c
-- 
( )_( ) __________ splinter@allink.com ____________
 \. ./   :just another middle-aged mutant Zen rat:
__=.=__       - aka: DENNYZEN@delphi.com -
   "

